I think I'm back?

Hey so, I haven't posted on here in what, a year and a half?

It is because I became a teacher and had no time for anything. Don't do that!

Middle School Today.

One kid wanted to go in the hall to fart.
The fat kid said: "Let him go! Skinny people fart stink. It smell like food."

12th Grade English Proclamations:

I was subbing for one class the other day when this kid (while eating Flamin' Hot Cheetos) said, "I want a girl to lick my butt."

I said, "Not if you eat those things you don't"

7th Grade Science Questions:

This is the best one: If you were under the ocean and you farted, could you breathe your fart so that you could live? Like if you ran out of oxygen in your tanks...?

I said, "Maybe."

Insult Party!

My friend Craig posted this on myspace:

Insult party at my house. Wear your nicest clothes and bring any trophies, pictures, art work, poems, certificates of accomplishment, children, beloved pets, etc. so that we can rip you apart with our malicious wit. Next thursday.(Bring beer and some food.) (NOT the beer or food that you would usually bring due to your horrible taste, PLEASE. Just like pick at random, that's probably the only way that you won't screw it up, dummy.)

His blog is usually genius.

Baby Names

So Megan and I were trying to come up with hilarious names for kids last night that would lead them in certain directions in their lives, names that no one could ever overcome.

Here are a few:
McDonald’s Employee Banks
Janitor Banks
Landlord Gaylord Banks
Chlamydia Banks
Date Rape Banks
Child Molester Banks
Pee Sipper Banks

two at ten

Today was the last day I have to go to my internship in the morning. From now on I have class at ten, then the internship in the afternoon. Class at ten is sooooo much better than work at eight. That last sentence reminds me of John Mueller saying, "She was a ten at two, and a two at ten." That must be from a country song, I just don't know it.

fourth of july

Today is america day and I just saw the sweetest concert on tv. Some really bad country band was talking about kicking anyone's ass who tried to take over their town. And they kept thanking Chevy. And they said, "It wouldn't be America without a Chevy in it."
god bless us.

My Babies!

Today I need to buy some notebooks for school, maybe a couple new shirts. Then I'm going to the gym to run and swim. We bought a new digital camera so we could take pictures of this:

This is Indy and Dexter.

ouch.

So this is Death, waiting for me the other day when I got into the flooded creek, lost my footing and went over a bunch of small waterfalls. I thought if I hit my head, I would be a goner for sure as I was cruising along pretty fast.

I am so banged up today, my bones can't help feeling the place must have looked like this. But I remember more water.

I looked over to the side of the creek at one point and saw all these people looking at me, knowing there was nothing they could do. I really wanted firemen to come and save me.

Now, every time I close my eyes all I see is rocks coming at me way too fast.
and ibuprofen is not doing nearly enough.

reconcilement

Need help imagining the tenth dimension?
all possible universes with all possible outcomes in a single point. . . yeah right.
34 hours until I am done with finals, I should be studying, not writing. I am reading a very good book of short stories that Greg let me borrow a long time ago that I just got around to reading. It is called Airships, byBarry Hannah. I am just about finished memorizing forty lines from Paradise Lost, I am doing one of Satan's speeches,"For never can true reconcilement grow, where wounds of deadly hate have pierced so deep."
You really do understand it better after you have said it a thousand times.

petted

while trying to figure out exactly how to write my philosophy paper i have actually accomplished quite a lot of other stuff. i have finished nearly all of my reading for this semester, i made a powerpoint presentation(did i mention that i think powerpoint is the beginning of the end for the american education system?) for spanish class, i worked out today for fifty minutes, i took a nap, i watched gilmore girls(!), i went for a bike ride which was going extremely well until, as i turned into the neighborhood park my chain busted(left it outside to rust for too long at our last place), then i walked it home and petted the cat. only one more thing to do before starting this paper and that is unload the dishwasher. megan taught me this new thing called productive procrastination, it totally works, at least for everything but the thing you don't want to do.

monsters, betrayal, death

this weekend i did not go out at all. instead i stayed home reading McTeague, watching movies, pumping up bike tires, cooking, eating, oh, but we did go see a movie last night that was excellent.
The Host. It is a Korean monster movie. It deals with family, pollution, american influence, epidemiology, mental illness/disabilities, explosions, monsters, betrayal, death, longing, and um, customer service.

god sending great ability

So after I registered for the summer and fall I ran a Degree Audit on the UT website that includes those classes. It sure feels good to see this message:

Remaining Requirements:

No remaining degree requirements exist for this audit.

8 more months until I graduate.
In the fall I don't have to be at school until 12:30.
My favorite UT Professor is teaching my Senior Seminar.

Did I mention I am unemployed? Well, there was a sort of exodus over there and due to some feelings of loyalty to the coworkers I liked and due to the overall douchiness of the owner, I decided to leave. I was always saying I was going to quit soon anyway. I am going to wait until I find out about the internship before I look for another job. I am also going to write two papers, study for four finals, and watch Heroes when it comes back on!

"I'm dying, dad, I'm dying."

Bullfighting should not be interesting because of the age of the bullfighter.
Mexico is fucked.

wake work sleep

I am trying to wrap my mind around this whole Special Relativity thing that we are talking about in my philosophy of science class, the idea that time is not absolute, it can move faster or slower depending on motion and perspective. Damn Einstein. Also, there is no such thing as simultaneity. So I guess two people cannot both reach orgasm at the same time. I am currently getting ready to write a letter in Spanish pretending I am Maria from the film Maria, Full of Grace, to her mother after she has decided to live in the United States.
I am supposed to register on Wednesday for all of my summer and fall classes. I kind of hate planning in April what I will be doing in December. I cannot decide if I should have all my classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays but have more papers to write or if it would be better to have one class at 1pm on Mondays Wednesdays and Fridays with fewer papers to write. That would mean being on campus everyday which would make me more likely to work out more often. Also, this fall could be my last semester of college and I really like college so maybe I should be here everyday.

I think I want to be a communist, but not in the political sense. I want to have land and build structures on it to live and work in and if other people want to do the same then we will build them places to live and work in. I want to build as much of each building as we can ourselves, and have cummunal areas to eat and relax. If you want to teach yoga we can build a yoga studio, if you want to have a recording studio, we will build it, if you want to be a writer and all you need is a desk and a bed, let's do it. I do not want to drop out of society, I want to make society better. Maybe communist is the wrong word, maybe community-ist would be better. I want modest, well-designed structures out of inexpensive materials that provide safety and comfort. I want to come up with a way to make money from the outside world while working in my own. There are many options. I want to have a product or service that people can help create with minimal training in exchange for living and eating in our community for a few days or a few years. The master plan is so far from complete, this all costs money, and it cannot be done in a haphazard way, but I do not want to do it with any political or religious rule structures that are stifling or mean. Does anyone have any idea what I am talking about?

Kurt is up in Heaven now.

“Hello, babies. Welcome to Earth. It’s hot in the summer and cold in the winter. It’s round and wet and crowded. At the outside, babies, you’ve got about a hundred years here. There’s only one rule that I know of, babies - ‘God damn it, you’ve got to be kind.’ ”

When the last living thing
has died on account of us,
how poetical it would be
if Earth could say,
in a voice floating up
perhaps
from the floor
of the Grand Canyon,
“It is done.”
People did not like it here.

The only words in this blog that are not quotes of Kurt Vonnegut who died yesterday:
Several years ago my friend Whitney said that Kurt Vonnegut taught her how to read. I always wished I could claim that idea as my own. What had I read before Cat's Cradle? Not much that wasn't in my school library in springfield, missouri. Now there is a sizable V section in my home library (aka: the big green shelf.)

and from wikipedia:
In the novel Timequake, Vonnegut writes that his alter-ego, Kilgore Trout, (also) dies at the age of eighty-four.

now, back to the quotes:

"If you really want to hurt your parents, and you don’t have the nerve to be a homosexual, the least you can do is go into the arts. But do not use semicolons. They are transvestite hermaphrodites, standing for absolutely nothing. All they do is show you’ve been to college.''

"And if I should ever die, God forbid, I hope you will say, 'Kurt is up in Heaven now.' That’s my favorite joke."

You're a philospher?

Yes.
if by philosopher you mean someone who gets 97% on their upper-division Philosophy of Science midterm. (and by you're you mean me.)

Sorry to gloat, but i got an 82 on the last one.

Is this real?
Real funny, maybe. Real mean?
"These fishsticks are hard as tits!" -can a normal person make that up?

Easter Bunnies

In case you are wondering why it is so damn cold this late in the year, this past weekend when Jesus came out of his cave (tomb?) he must have seen his shadow and gone back in, so we get six more weeks of winter.

That is why we need bunnies around, to keep us warm. And to comfort us on cloudy days.

science of tiny beer random style

today was good friday. and it was. good.
my early class was cancelled, i skipped my late class and went to the gym for intense cardio workout. my heart is getting very strong. it has a lot of work to do. my heart, i mean.
tonight i drank tiny beers and watched the dvd of science of sleep. this is me and megan's love story, romantic comedy movie that we watch together and feel more love. my heart is so strong now. it pumps the blood like crazy. christan and me were trying to remember a scene in a movie just yesterday where they give a name to the phenomenon of people who walking toward each other both go in the same direction and then they try to change directions and they both go the same direction again. this scene is in the science of sleep. they call it parallel synchronized randomness. now i am extremely sleepy. i have a lot of reading to do.
paradise lost is making me believe in the satan vs. god battle. next year will be john milton's four hundredth birthday. the chicago manual of style says to spell out round numbers like four hundred. or one thousand. but 897 should probably not be spelled out. one through one hundred also get the letters, not the numbers. they give you thirty days of free trial access to all their current rules for their style. not everyone uses their style.

books

today i had an interview for a publishing/editing internship at BookPros.
it seemed to go really well. the ladies there were really nice, they were english majors at UT, like me, they had taken the same english grammar class i had taken, i asked questions, we all laughed a couple of times, pretty good overall. it is a really laid-back place, they only dress up if the clients are coming that day, and they do not work past noon on fridays. the two girls interviewing me also were interns there previously, so getting a job there in the future is a possibility.
only bad thing is they said they will not decide until early may. hopefully it works out.

now my other knee hurts.
today, i studied determinism, mechanism, scientism, dualism, reductionism, pluralism, Laplace, Newton, Comte, William James, Freud, Darwin, Pasteur.
big test on wednesday. i also watched basketball with the volume off.
i ate sushi and sesame chicken. a taco and a banana.
i drank tea, apple juice, and water.
i tried to decide what classes to take this summer. and i thought about what to wear for my interview on thursday.
i did 20 minutes of cardio, then ran a mile. then walked a mile.
now, my other knee hurts.
This was the most boring post ever. How about free google wireless access through your toilet! it is totally real. i promise.

but my hands...

Today while having brunch at Juan in a Million, a little boy shushed me.
I saw a man getting a face drawn on his chest. I saw two people riding those tall bikes, where they weld two bikes basically on top of each other and one person rides it and cannot touch the ground, anyway, the ratio of tall bikes to mullets was 1:1.
I saw a girl at a gas station haggle with the guy behind the counter over her purchase of gas, ice, and soda. It worked.
I gave my birthday balloons to my friend who tied them to a cute girl's bike that he knows.
The song Happy Birthday was sung to me around four times today, three full times and two kind of half-assed times=4.
I am reading Sean Wilsey's Oh the Glory of it All and in it, his father tells him in a public restroom to wash his hands before he pees, "your penis isn't dirty, but your hands are."
That is how I feel today. My penis is clean, but my hands...
They are filthy.


Who made this? I cannot remember what comic this is.
Whoever tells me gets a beer.

Born right the first time!

being born a white male in the late 20th century was a real stroke of luck. i turn 28 today.

meat.

i ate so much meat tonight i think i am going to die. it is so gross, i keep burping and tasting the sausage that i gagged on earlier when a piece of the sausage casing got stuck in the back of my throat and i couldn't swallow it.

i may be vegetarian for a while. i kept telling myself it was ok because i ran over a mile today. ew.

i just want to take a bunch of benadryl and fall asleep so i don't have to think about how gross this giant lump is in my belly.

this is exactly what i ate:

no more.

Banksy

So this is by the stencil artist Banksy.



There is an article on his site about two men getting charged for spray painting over one of his paintings. They were graffiti-ing over the graffiti.

sick.

i am sick and tired of being sick. and tired.
today i coughed up something so big and green into the sink that M almost threw up.
amazing what human bodies can produce.
while delivering pizza with the windows rolled down and the music way up i felt better.
summer is so close. the heat is crawling, making my pants uncomfortable. tomorrow i am running again. i can actually hear my cat's urine right now. he is peeing in his litter igloo.
i wonder if a drunk inuit ever peed on the wall of his igloo and it just froze. then, when his wife woke up, she asked why the wall was yellow.

Everyday!

So this is the new blog for www.27squares.com

I am going to try to write here everyday.
Care to see if I succeed?

Today I ran over 1 mile for the first time since I don't know, maybe like 20 pounds ago, when I was skinny and didn't need to run, so I didn't. It felt really good. I also did some other, low-impact, cardio stuff. i am turning 28 on sunday and i want to live forever.